Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Me trying to “trust the process”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.