yes yes a thousand times yes!
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king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.