One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
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-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
She puts the hot in psychotic
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”