United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
You Might Also Like
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?