“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
You Might Also Like
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
According to math, I’m broke
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes