LOOOOOOL
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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Happy Caturday!
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…