My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
SPLOOT
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
brian had himself a morning…
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Any time a child tries to guess my age.