This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
i love meeting boys on tinder
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
🏙👨🏼
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”