Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
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[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.