Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
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i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
crazy
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”