Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
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Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o