i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
dads on road-trips be like
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Haha good job!!
This is my favorite one of these!
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!