Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
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We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
lost dog
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.