Well, this certainly took a turn
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I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.