I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
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the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Fixed this for Shakespeare
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Do not levitate over flowers
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”