You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
me adding lol on a serious message
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”