Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
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If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
This meal prepping shit easy
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too