Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
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the short answer to this question
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Grandmother clock.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?