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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”