*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
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Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My life coach traded me.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.