“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
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Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer