you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
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My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.