Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
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[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.