[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
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When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.