Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
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I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Bro what is this
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️