Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
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5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it