Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy