Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
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*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.