I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
You Might Also Like
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.