Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day