Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
You Might Also Like
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.