[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
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*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Lucky old June.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.