I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
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My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
😅🤣😂
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.