(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
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wtf is an acronym
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.