me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
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ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.