I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
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[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*