Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
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The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
This took me a second..
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]