Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
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Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Awesome parenting 😂
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.