Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL