A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
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you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
as is their right
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
We need more people like this.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Nice try, poison.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.