Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
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Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Brilliant!
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Sorry. Not sorry
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.