Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
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Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
scenes of unspeakable carnage
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
time for some seasonal decor
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel