DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
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My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops