coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
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Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme