If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
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Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Seek kebab; not attention
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Thinking outside the box.. 😅