We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
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“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Has science gone too far?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.