Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
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Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
When your man makes a valid point
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’