Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
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Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!