I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
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Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.