Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
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Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
very niche meme I made
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
wishing you and yours all the best
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’